you didn't 
really try to nurture me 
jus set us tasks and marked us out 
of ten. With a severe beating if I failed ... 


you ask that I swallow my anger 
and I will not ... 

cripes 125 posts and counting for May ... 
and this has been going on only for four months 


out of six I reckon 


**************


Don't worry about it, they only did it to make him feel important he would have sued them otherwise. Spare your sympathy for the people who get a slap from the cops when there's no one around to report on it


***********


And my answer is it's their finest hour. Just having seven cops instead of two doesn't make it illegal. Going for a long drive doesn't make it illegal.

hate to
say this peeps but 
I think cocaine might be 
an active ingredient of heroin 

thing ... do 
you think Helen 
Mirren makes me look 
younger? thats Chucky joking 
with his ex about our age difference 
um one of the reasons things went wrong ...


maybe he can't help is but it switches 
me right off ...


whether 
we were together 
or not isn't the point why 
do you have to talk about me like that ? 


**********
God I have a showbiz anecdote - Smack the Pony did that one also

so if I
give you the 
uranium and helium
you want to make 
nuclear fuel? 


do I just 
come ready made? 
I don't require your creative 
inputlike a composition. You 
wouldn't agonise over all night 
to get the notes to hang just so. 
And takes all your energy
to birth 

one problem is
that Chucky wasn't ready
to leave. I was in a commitment
with him and then my feelings cut out


and I haven't really sat down with
him properly and said this isn't 
working for me 

he's entitled to be angry ... 



/2.06.12.

having left him
out to the wild dogs
its a bit late to start potty
training him now ...

I submitted this on the downward mobility thread. I consider it a perfectly reasonable response to the topic perhaps not one that agrees with the author 

and yet you have declined to post it 

******************
""
this is a very negative and blinkered view of downshifting. Intellectuals have been downshifting for decades as a reaction against trashy materialism and superficiality. When the novelty of the internet has worn off it will become cool to live with as little technology as you can manage. Some people go the whole hog and move to the hebrides where they can live without subliminal training
they have no televisions and create their own entertainment restoring them to the earthy and meaningful emotions about life. Others just go there for holidays. I like camping when I get the chance just for a taste of it ... and I did live for many years without a computer or television in fact I didn't even have a telephone you know you experience life in a different way that some of the anti materialist writers like Satre spoke about all those years ago its actually true""


*******************
ok so I also said that getting the head off sounds like a swell idea to the queen but hey can't I join in with the festivities ! 


*******************

you can stick the knighthood 

and the coronation

that was
trippy how they were 
stashed in the chakras. I got 
feelings inside that swim about in 
there like a little house 

dear aunt 
agony. My boyfriend
gets angry because I fancy
my boss and he wants me to leave 
my job. What do you think I should do ? 

you know 
I loved you for 
who you were not 
what you do


lugubrious 
moon shall I race 
you across the lake? mind
the weeds dont creeper round 
your feet. We don't want to 
end up singing like
frogs


or swallowing
globules of algae 

sorry for any 
inconvenience I seem 
to have a habit of thinking 
about somebody else afterwards ... 

this can happen on a multitude of occasions 
sitting on the bed with my knees up to 
my chest inflammation of the 
meninges practically 
hallucinating 

it seems
to be difficult for two 
people to stand with their  
hearts open at the same time 
I guess that would double 
the vulnerability  

that scares you does it ? 

if you think the answer to our problems is for me to be pals with the author its not that simple

you think I haven't tried ?

and when did  you last see her ?

and do you really need to orchestrate things or know what you are doing with that ?

just because she says that I am responsible for all the ills in her life ...

that doesn't mean she is correct

in fact the contact could be harmful 

or is it shiny happy people that looks good for your career ?

*********************

try asking me again when I've finished this piece of work but in fact it 

won't really be you that I will

be consulting about it I would have to consult someone neutral

******************
and in fact I already have done ... 

I don't think
cheating is what I do But 
if I wanted to slit someones 
throat I would just do it ... 




31.05.12.

I need 
some crack now so I 
can turn you into a piece of art he's 
made me look stupid Chukka 
put me right out 


thing about 
Chucky is that he isn't 
a prostitute. Which puts him 
higher up ... you could make him 
bankrupt and starving and that 
and I still can't see him 
pimping 


thankfully
the slapper is out 
of my twitter Chucky 
might just be my medicine 

I see your
shadow fading 
on the sunset water 
Please don't go. Who will
echo the swelling in my arms
emotion flows like milk making ache 


bursting piano keys make that nutty 
metal so pretty they cut the wood 
notes dribbling like sweat off the 
keys. Pain is unimaginable
View is melting and I 
am puddled


a drop
of music waiting to be 
plunk. Drink plink dripping away 

you're not
supposed to pay 
your partner for sex 
You want to share things ...

bearing gifts they played 
his weaknesses 


just pops
him like a chocolate while 
multi tasking in the car ... nom


Jolene please don't take my man. 
Yeah I know he's not really mine.
Or yours and its up to him if he 
wants to belong to the 
wild wind 

I need 
some crack now so I 
can turn you into a piece of art 

hes made me look stupid Chukka 
put me right out 

I felt that one 
right down to my foot


these 
dinosaur scraps seem 
like really nasty face scratching 
tar and feathering things ... I never 
felt quite so desperately out of my depth 


as if he's holding my head under water
Utterly humiliating and degrading 
and in more than one way 

Im not 
taking this cardigan 
off I like the way it looks 
tatty and bleached with rips in it 


get off ... you're a complete mental
case you know that 
don't you ...

I think Trix might be pigeoning ... we don't need another hero, my heart does not beat only for you
yes I know Trix ... I was expecting it all ...
you know also its lunchtime when you asked me to be away ...
*************
I got the message about the bedroom and will see to it when its convenient thanks ...
I don't seem to mind that or talking about diet
the scruffy clothes seems to be another matter ...
you'll have a job making me change them
if I ever get a chance to meet you Im going to wear the scruffiest thing I can find ...

as it happens
I was listening to 
some music with Chucky 
you have no idea how it sounds ... 

they've ruined
you and in ways that
you wouldn't understand ... 


I can't bring it back but your
murder is not forgotten ...

this 
might sound 
odd to you but my 
feeling is that you'd become 
exclusive first and then commit 
to it rather than the other way around ... 


otherwise it would feel like austerity
these days things don't seem 
to get that far 

I try to 
sleep as poisonous
gasses fill the room 

heroin just 
makes you feel 
really sad and moochy 


shove it ...






/29.05.12.

and I just 
can't say anything 
to him without her echoing it. 
Yesterday I was into geek fashion. 
Then sure enough there she is 
with her hair all scruffed up 
and a feather stuck 
to her arm  


spouting 
stuff about chakras 
and auras and things that
she really isn't at all interested in. 
Then when she's stuck for inspiration all 
she needs to do is dip into my blogs and 
select a few keywords before issuing 
the next warrant. She even gets to 
watch me in group therapy and 
then comment on it on 
the internet ... 


simples  
and he's too pissed 
to notice as long as he's got 
my words and her money he's 
a comfy bunny and then he 
says she didn't cause my 
disabling injuries 


orlright endies
I know you ate art
but less have a go shall we
take a deep breath 
5
4
3
2
1 
are you ready ? 
erm  you like write your 
own thoughts and feelings not 
someone elses ... revolutionary ! 
difficult though if you have 
something to hide ... 

you seem 
to want to occupy 
the centre internet. Is 
there nowhere else you can go 
to work out this very personal stuff ... 

I could 
move my heart
in with Chucky if
I don't get distracted
this does happen sometimes

theres 
never anything 
like ok we've won 
each others match now 
lets spend some time together 

wowch

and 
Chucky will not 
tell me which is more 
important the heart or the soul

he looks 
really cute but 
what he actually 
wants to do is engage my 
heart so that he can exploit it  


when will you get it through
your head ... HE ISN'T AVAILABLE ! 

you say you
want something else
as well ... and I don't ... 
I may look like a flirt but 
my heart is really in one place ... 

theres so 
much wind even 
the stars are blowing 
about. He sticks the needle in 
my arm and I explode inside of him


turning slowly upside down killed by 
violent emotion. Floating dead on 
the surface surrounded by 
wet petals 

time for a 
scribble. Clever 
of them to assault 
me they know I'll take 
it out on you and you'll 
abuse me back. They bask in 
glory so deserving of their win ... 

I do struggle not to lower myself to peoples level. Which sometimes I do engage in the odd scrap. You know but the turgid river of abuse on the internet makes it a prehistoric landscape that goes largely unchecked ...

and at the same time I don't really like rules and laws but its the awareness is lacking ... that this sea of hexes really shapes the world not the politicians ...

well thanks
for the encouragement 
peeps I come back injured
from the war and then yous just 
complain Im not the life and soul ... 

you don't 
feel me when 
Im hurting over you
just laugh at me. The hugs and 
loving arms are gone. When I hurt 

Id like to 
be able to do that
draw someone out I 
haven't really thought about 
it much ... or is that manipulative ? 

having got 
the love you need 
from someone older
you now want to spend 
the evening shooting game
and how am I stopping you ? 


he's trying to draw me out again
and actually I feel humiliated like a 
rat in a cage ... in their house ... I feel 
actually broken and this is what feeds them 

I wonder 
what technique is 
that cus its not all biblical 
theres some psychology in 
there too, subliminal facilitation
maybe a bit of hypnosis thrown in 

and this joy 
just pushes out 
my mind. Sexual 
tension is everywhere


course you can't just shag
who you want if its going to
upset people. Not unless you 
can be a bit discreet about it ... 


or as they say on Eastenders less 
just forget it ever 'append eh!  cheers 

sink my teeth into his arm
pray oblivion 


hes hacked 
into me again. I 
find Im cast on a rock 
being battered by waves


and like a sea cow
Ive lost all my 
marbles 

I let go 

hope of safety 

and give in to the chaos

as fate slams me up 

against the door 

bits of me rearrange like
a cubist painting 


swishing
of a gravel seabed
swirling round my head 


grasping the jetty I try to
save from drowning as
the salty water fills 
my mouth


I just keep
scratching him 
hoping the pleasure 
will stop waves of nausea 
melting my knees and avalanche
of cells like pebbles looking for a floor 

its that 
pattern where 
he wants me when Im 
gone. And verily I say unto 
thee ... thou thinks I am thy mother 

wow ... and from someone that copies my work and hates art !

so little time ... !

with ok can i pay for it then tacked on the end ...

tell you what just skip the art and up the fee

if you're
half hearted 
then don't bother
think I couldn't find 
someone who isn't ? 


how do you really feel? 
that romance is divine 
but it doesn't really
tell me where 
you're at 

you think
commitment 
is austerity ... which 
is why I felt hesitant I guess ... 

you 
thought that was 
a bit robotic ? well maybe
Im not getting much feedback 
or encouragement from you ... 


just requests for more information
about the inner chambers of 
my feelings ... 


that final card will 
surely play ... 

what 

will I do without 

him in my life? its not 

that I won't laugh or sing or 

play my instruments. I won't die or 

pine away in a room of cobwebs I 

will soldier on like a trooper ... 

but what will I do with my 

truth when they ask me 

where did I last see

my heart ? 

can 

anyone really 

hold me like that or get 

right under my skin? in fact 

can they be him? will they fill 

me to bursting with startling 

colour. Or make such a 

cute sad sorry 

face?